I have lived my entire life knowing that I wanted to be a mother. As a young child, I played house like most little girls and the role of the mom was always so appealing to me. I imagined that I stayed home with my babies, we played games, I cleaned and cooked dinner and life was perfect. Never did I imagine the stress, worry and angst that I would feel when I actually became a mother. Now let me say that I do enjoy being a mom and I love watching my children grow; however, with this job unlike any other that I’ve had, I find myself in a constant conundrum.
By nature, I am a steady person. I don’t like changes in my routine or unplanned last minute to do’s. I enjoy being around people but I am an only child so I thoroughly enjoy being by myself. As you could imagine, my personality and motherhood create an automatic whirlwind. There is always something last minute, most of my plans get thrown by the wayside and I hardly ever get time to myself. However, there are those rare instances when a miracle occurs and my day goes and planned and I get the opportunity to do something alone. While these moments to sneak away are few and far between, I find myself feeling guilty for being away from my family. And to be completely honest, I actually miss my kids when I’m away for them for more than an hour. I find myself texting to check on them because of course as their mom I have the audacity to believe that no one can care for them like I can. Then I’m mad at myself for not fully letting my hair down when I have the chance because I’m worried about what’s going on at home. I even monitor the clock to make sure that I’m not away for too long. I’ve never been like this with anything else in life. No one told me all of those years ago when I was playing house as a little girl that being the mom isn’t always fun. Nobody said you’ll constantly be at war with yourself. It’s like a never ending cycle. I yearn for days to just go as planned and get a little escape and then when I get it, I squander it because I worry about the very people I’m trying to get a mini vacation from.
Am I the only one with this problem? I mean, it’s either a sign of good parenting or insanity and I’m not sure which one. All I know is that I love my kids and I love myself. I guess in order to fully be present for them, I have to enjoy being fully present for myself as well. I’m sure I will still have some guilt, but I have to learn how to let it go. Maybe it will get easier as they grow older…one can only hope!